


The Tactician's a Dick

by stitchesandicecream



Category: Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken
Genre: Gen, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:21:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stitchesandicecream/pseuds/stitchesandicecream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fire Emblem players are known for challenging themselves to odd ends between games, but how would this reflect on the tactician as a character? Absolute crackfic based on the female unit only challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tactician's a Dick

**Author's Note:**

> For simplicity's sake, I decided to let the tactician just go by the default name of Mark.

Eliwood had always been recognized as a bright lad, one who was entirely too deserving of his position as nobility and poised to become a great leader someday. He was by no measure a fool, but an optimist? An idealist? Entirely. It was for this reason that he accepted with no hesitation that he would be employing a tactician to aid him in the heat of battle, and indeed he was almost ashamed he hadn’t thought of the idea himself. When he was told that the Lady Lyndis’ personal tactician would be accompanying them he was almost beside himself with joy at the prospect.

That had been over a year ago.

Now, he found himself in the middle of a field with an armful of iron bows for gods only knew what reason and a mass of bandits fast approaching.

His self doubt could only carry him so far.

Rebecca launched another arrow at an enemy and Eliwood watched it sail over Marcus’ head, finally landing in the shoulder of a burly axeman. He blinked, but there was no telling whether it was because he’d noticed the arrow or if he was just blinking. Marcus uncomfortably shifted some of the vulneraries in his arms.

Eliwood was no tactician, but this entire approach just seemed, well, silly.

“Mark?” he called out over his shoulder. The tactician hummed as he turned to face him.“It’s not that I mean to question your ability as a tactician when I say this.”

“I should hope not!” Mark chimed, completely missing any sense of nuance or subtle grace. Off to a good start.

“Er, well, yes. You’ve proven yourself time and again. It’s just that I was thinking, perhaps you’ve forgotten in the heat of the moment that I’m regrettably not trained in archery?” Trying to maintain social grace in the face of this entire situation was hard, even for Eliwood.

“Oh, no, I’m completely aware, milord. We’ve just run out of storage space, you see. You’re a strong and capable young man, so I thought it would be unfair to make Marcus carry so much heavy equipment.” Mark nodded lightly while speaking, as if to emphasize how not-bananas he was. “That’s why I gave him the vulneraries.”

Another arrow sailed over their heads. It missed. Eliwood visibly cringed. They’d already been out here for what must’ve been hours setting up this, frankly, ridiculous formation. It was literally every member of their group in a box formation around Rebecca who was understandably having an incredibly difficult time aiming over the heads of the various older and taller men around her, not to mention Marcus being _on top of an entire horse._ And while they hadn’t experienced any real casualties, not in the traditional sense at least, it was only a matter of time before one of them fell to...to...something. The elements. Sheer boredom. Old age? Retirement, at least.

“I can’t say I disagree with you there, but I believe that this would maybe become a little faster, perhaps less difficult, if the rest of us were showing ourselves useful. What say you?” he asked, hoping the slowly growing desperation in his entire being wasn’t as evident as it felt.

“Lord Eliwood, I’m shocked!” If Mark had noticed how irked Eliwood was, he was doing a marvelous job of pretending not to notice. “Oh, but you are always so humble, milord. To sell yourself so short, though, is almost...I might go so far as to say degrading! Self deprecating!”

Eliwood blinked. Did that mean there was something to this tatician’s methods he hadn’t noticed?

“Without you all, why, Rebecca would be naught but bait. Surely she would have perished by now!”

Nope, that was exactly what it looked like.

Eliwood cleared his throat before speaking again. “I certainly see the merit to your strategy, then, Mark, but...well, these men are hired professionals, after all. I’m sure we could find good use for them on the field.”

“And we certainly have, milord! With Rebecca alone, we’d never have mustered what the whole troop is capable of!” Mark spread his arms, gesturing to the square of men around them.

There was only so much Eliwood could do against the tactician’s insistent optimism. After hours in the heat doing nothing but drinking the occasional vulnerary, his patience wore thin. “But Mark, they aren’t _doing_ anything.”

“Oh, but milord, surely you can see?”

He matched eyes with Mark, only barely holding himself together enough to question him.

“They’re carrying well worth their own pay each! A fine use of trained men.”

Eliwood held his breath, steadying himself and willing back the scream that threatened to tear from his throat. By the grace of the gods he stayed composed long enough to wait for Mark’s back to be turned again (commanding Rebecca to redirect her fire in another odd direction that she couldn’t properly see in, no doubt) before he let out a long sigh. Straightening himself, he let his gaze wander about the field for a moment. It was only when he met the gaze of Merlinus, sitting comfortably outside his tent and idly roasting some manner of treat over a fire that he realized exactly why he’d thought it so ridiculous in the first place that they were all standing here doing nothing but piling goods upon themselves. The merchant casually glanced up and waved at him pleasantly.

Eliwood’s scream was loud enough to scare the birds from trees for miles around.

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was loosely my experience in playing through the female unit only challenge in FE7 once I got to Eliwood's story. I went through all of Lyn's chapters thinking it wasn't so bad, then realized I was stuck with Rebecca as my only offensive unit. For several chapters.  
> Then I realized how stark raving mad that would look to anyone actually in the middle of a war zone.


End file.
